Because real emails occasionally end up in my spam box, I have to do a visual scan before I delete. I hate to do it, look that is. Sure it makes me feel better about myself as a writer, seeing all the poorly written ads, but that’s like listening to a dog bark and feeling better about my singing. But rather than complain about their writing, I’m willing to help them write better. For $206.34 per SCAM I AM course. In USD only. (recommend taking all 40 courses for a discounted rate of only $8,000.00[Eight Thousand US Dollars])
Who needs this course? Well, YOU who have tense issues, grammar issues, missing or too many word issues, and YOU Gertrude Cowan who spammed me this: Your mating can be indefatigable … (?)
… and YOU: I have learned the real truth behind my inheritince. I am Mrs Helen Moore, a devoted Christian. I have chosen you for an inheritince. Please contackt me for more details. Bank Draft of $1,000.000.00 USD (One Million US Dollars), but I did not hear from you since that time (what time?). Then I went and deposited the Draft with FEDEX COURIER SERVICE (you’d better watch your all caps now, miss devoted Christian Helen Moore), West Africa, I traveled out of the country for a 3Months Course and I will not come back till end of March, 2011.What you have to do now is to contact the FEDEX COURIER SERVICE as soon as possible to know when they will deliver your package to you because of the expiring date. For your information, I have paid for the security keeping fee, Insurance premium and Clearance Certificate Fee of the Cheque showing that it is not a Drug Money in your Country. The only money you will need send to the FEDEX COURIER CHARGES to (zzzzzz) deliver your Draft direct to your postal Address in your country is ($200US)Dollars only being PACKAGE DELIVERY CHARGES of the Courier Company so far. I would have paid that but they said no because they don’t know when youwill contact them and in case of demurrage (some grammar mistakes are forgiven for using a big word) You have to contact the FEDEXCOURIER SERVICE now for the delivery of your Draft with this informationbelow: Send Them The Require Information Below: Greetings (Okay, You. You are wordy and repetitive. Get straight to the point. e.g., “Send 200 bucks to me, Mrs Helen Moore, a devoted Christian, to cover a bunch of invisible charges, after which I give you, a stranger, a million dollars because I am a devoted Christian.” Additionally you suffer grammar mistakes and all around bad writing, all of which I’ll teach you how to avoid as well as where to put the word “Greetings” in your letter.)
…and YOU: I NEED JUST YOUR CO-OPERATIONS (nothing like all caps to accentuate bad writing).I am Mr MARK GENERAL, Director Allocation department of SKY BANK NIGERIA PLC, LAGOS/NIGERIA. (Nigeria? Didn’t you get the memo? We aren’t using Nigeria anymore. But for $206.34 USD I’ll give you a list of all the believable countries in which the “naïve” will send their money)
… and YOU: I have decided to remit your claim sum following my idea that we can have a deal/agreement and I am going to do this legally.
1. The sum of USD$15.7M only will be transfer into your account after the processing of all relevant legal documents with your name as the sole beneficiary. The transfer will be made by Draft or telegraphic Transfer T/T Conformable in 3working days.
2. This deal must be kept secret (oops) forever and all correspondence will be strictly by email / telephone for security purposes.
3. There should be no third parties as most problems associated with your fund release are caused by your agents or representative. (right, this happens a lot)
…and especially YOU: Bacheolrs, Matsers, , PhD can be yours in 4 weeks if you qualify. I always wanted a “Matsers” of Fine Arts degree. And in 4 weeks!
Yes, it’s true. My 40-course series will teach you how to scam/spam the proper way. No more looking stupid whilst thieving. I’ll teach you how to hook, reel, and take their money in a better written way.
BUT WAIT. THERE’S MORE
Also included is a free course on subject lines and how to attract without falling flat. This course is for the same YOUs spotlighted in the earlier examples.
Like YOU miss Tennille West E n l a r g e ment (interesting use of font sizes to make your point) is what you need now. what I need is shrinkage. Nobody ever has offers for shrinkage
Friend – I am compiled to solit for your humble acceptance … I’ve compiled your typos, humbly, of course
British High Commission – SCAM ALERT 50000000 Euro to you if … Wait do I see scam alert right in the subject line?
Mr. Patrick Williams.5.m For Your Past Effort, – Hello my friend, Please accept my apology for not contacting you earlier before now (pick just one, please)
Jonathan GrayINVESTMENT OFFER !! (all caps and two exclamation points. What are you trying to say?)– Pardon my invading your privacy (too late). I am Barr. Jonathan Gray (Managing Partner) Barrister, advocate
Pharmafast – Gorgeous selection of Viagra gorgeous you say? Why, let me get my credit card to order one in each color.
YOU, this offer is too good to pass up.
BUT WAIT. THERE’S STILL MORE:
I’ll throw in a course called Bait and Switch yours free if you order now.
Terms and conditions may apply. No money back guarantee. No guarantee you’ll be a gooder writer. No guarantees you’ll learn how to spell garanteey. No guarantees on nothin’. Extra fees and charges may apply.
Hurry while courses last. Operators are standing by.