So there I was braless in my front yard minding my own business killing things—black widows—with my deadly saber weapon—broomstick—when all of a sudden a Mexican man in a pick-up truck pulled up and got out and approached me, braless me, and began waving his arms and speaking a mix of English and Spanish—Spanglish.
And this is what I saw/heard. You … pear … (hand mimes what looks like a round shape, not hourglass but round, I tell you) … no good … too big.
Perceptive as he may be regarding my body shape, insulting a woman holding a deadly weapon is not a bright person. I may have poked him with my sword (it’s a sword now) had I not been so busy pondering his reasons for needing to bring it to my attention. Possibly he thought I was blind and was doing me a favor. Ah, thanks. Good to know. I’ll get right on it. Or, he’s from PETS (people for ethical treatment of spiders) and was trying to dissuade me from further massacre. Or, simply a community service message.
Then, as I was about to bring down my iron hot poker upon his head, it occurred to me he was offering to trim my Bradford Pear tree. He cruised the neighborhoods looking for folks outside and would stop to offer his services. He almost died for trying.
You said I'm a what?
If this post has a familiar ring it’s because I kind of do this kind of thing a lot, you know, adding fantastical elements to a very dull happening, and way outside the realm of logic and reason. You’d think I’d learned my lesson since my last publicly-admitted blunder in Believable Characters (notice I say “publicly admitted. Imagine what I keep private).
If I read the above scene in a book—sans the part where she comes to her senses—I’d say, “Bah.” So why, why, why, did I believe it could happen in real life? (because it’s happening to me, that’s why)
Moral of today’s story: Keep it real, baby. Keep it real. (unless you’re writing fantasy, then you can do that.)
Tricia
Ha! That made me laugh. I can totally see you brandishing your sword/hot poker/broom/saber/thingy – braless. :D
Nila~Had I been wearing a steel gladiator-woman bra, he would have ran off fast. That’ll teach me for going out and killing things without my special armor.
Your life is fodder, baby. (That would be the bright side.) :-)
J~Never a dull moment, that’s for sure.
Enjoyed this one, Tricia! Thanks for the giggle.
Laura~You’re welcome. anytime.
It must be scenes like this that gave birth to the saying, “Truth is stranger than fiction!” It’s what you *don’t* say that leaves much to the imagination — not topless, just braless… at least, that’s what my mind wants to believe. :D
Carol~Ha. I should have mentioned I was wearing a shirt. I think not wearing one would be too a stretch of the imagination.
Wot – no accompanying photos? Sorry, my middle name is ‘letch’ – or should be.
Tooty~I’ll ask my neighbors. Their cameras are always aimed at my house, for whatever reason.
gawd I miss you!
Christian~I miss you too. If I told you to visit everytime I post, we would still miss each other due to my infrequent and random postings. Maybe I should fix that. hmmm
You crack me up, I loved loved loved reading your post.
Given that I’m a writer, now I can’t stop imagining what you’re keeping private ;)
Estrella~whenever I struggle with a blog topic, I weigh whether I should expose a new truth about me. Then I think better of it. Like, how I’ll never confess that I chased down a transvestite purse snatcher.
If I were braver, I’d have many more blog posts.